By Alexandra Schwartz — 2018
From the New Yorker Festival, the couples therapist and podcast host discusses infidelity, apologies, and the problem with wedding vows these days.
Read on www.newyorker.com
CLEAR ALL
Conflict doesn’t mean the end of your remarriage, and can actually make it stronger. There are always going to be disagreements; you cannot avoid them entirely. What you can do, however, is become skilled at recovering from disputes by talking about your perspectives afterwards.
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It was during these awkward fertility treatments that it dawned on me that there were some dramatic differences between my first and second marriages.
A Q&A with Terry Real
My husband and I grope each other constantly. I don’t think a day goes by without at least one of us copping a feel. I say this proudly because after almost 20 years of being together, we are still hot for each other. And I don’t see any reason to hide this from our kids.
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They say that having kids changes everything. That is neurologically, psychologically, and economically true.
The very qualities that lead to greater emotional satisfaction in peer marriages, as one sociologist calls them, may be having an unexpectedly negative impact on these couples’ sex lives.
Relationships that are successful tend to take the attitude: "How can I help you?" "How can I enrich your life?" "How can I be a better husband to you," if it's a marriage. "How can I be a better wife to you?" And what we want to do is to enhance each other's lives.
When you think of your mother, does your heart open with compassion or tighten with resentment? Do you allow yourself to feel her tenderness and care? The way we receive our mother’s love can be similar to how we experience love from a partner.
From a Buddhist standpoint, there’s nothing to win in a relationship, just as there’s nothing to win in life—except, of course, the deep satisfaction that comes from appreciation, collaboration, and love.
All relationships go through phases, there will be good times and challenges. When you recognize that your relationship is in a rough spot, take heart. Great relationships don’t happen by luck. There are the specific skills and actions that strengthen our relationships.
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